Silent Goodbye
by SiriusBalisticPretzels
Summary: Lavi had let himself slip. He was never meant for this world, never meant to have friends or emotions. He had a responsibility as a Bookman's apprentice. Someone like him was never meant to fall in love. And yet he knew now that he would never be able to forget her. She would always posses the heart he wasn't meant to have. And now it was time to say goodbye. LaviLena. Lavicentric.


**This is a story that I have been contemplating over a lot lately.**

**Enjoy.**

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.:Silent Goodbye:.

"You foolish child," the words reverberated through Lavi's ears teasing him, inflicting endless guilt upon him. "This is not about you and it would do you well to remember that. We are Bookmen, we were here only to observe nothing more. It was only by chance that we were on the Order's side. The war has ended along with our job here. It is time to move on just as we always have."

Throwing his head back to look hopelessly at the ceiling he tried to will the voice from his ears. He ran a hand up over the eye patch tied neatly over his left eye and up into his vibrant red hair in turn slanting his bandana. His shoulders slumped forward and he returned his gaze to his lap drawing in a slow breath.

It was pointless to argue back. He deserved anything that his mentor had to say or do to him for his insolence. He had broken the first rule of being a Bookman. The most important rule. He had forgotten himself and allowed his emotions to reign free. He had fallen in love.

"I…." Lavi opened his mouth trying to come up with some type of explanation but words failed him.

"Quiet," Bookman shot him a stern look from across their small room. Lavi couldn't find it in himself to look up to meet the cold stare. "I don't want your excuses. We will be gone by morning. I will overlook this …indiscretion, just this once. Emotional ties are something has claimed many gifted Bookmen over the years. You are too intelligent to let such frivolous matters sway you from your responsibilities. I taught you better than this."

Lavi hands fisted in the white fabric of his jeans. He could hear the sense in the words Bookman spoke to him. He wanted to believe that it would be that easy to move forward, but he knew it wasn't that simple. He would never be able to forget Lenalee. In his nineteen years of life he never thought he'd be able to—allow himself to—care for someone as much as he did for her. And now came the part he dreaded. He had to decide between what he possibly owed to himself and what he owed to the world. He wished he could be selfish just this once.

"I…know," Lavi's head dropped in to his hands and his fingers tugged at his hair. "But I just….I can't. Not anymore. They are my friends. She is—"

"Paper and ink."

The words were spoken with such finality that Lavi's head snapped up. His sole green eye searchingly met Bookman's black rimmed set.

"No," Lavi's brow furrowed in sadness as the words of his teacher swirled through his mind.

Bookman nodded his head in absolution.

"That is all they will ever be. Paper and ink. They are not, nor can they ever be, your friends. They are merely names and dates that are recorded and filed away. They are history. They are facts. That is all they will ever be to those like us. First and foremost, it is the job of a Bookman to record the history of this world with an unbiased eye.

"You cannot allow yourself to be swayed by emotion. We do not judge. We do not decide who is right and who is wrong. There is no good and bad, not for us. We do not choose sides, merely observe and record. It is our sacred duty to obtain pure unadulterated information. There can be no corruption, no distractions. In the end, to us, they are only paper and ink, nothing more, nothing less."

Bookman stood firmly across from him with his arms folded up in the billowy sleeves of his shirt. His short stocky form seemed as though it was looming over Lavi. Suffocating him slowly.

"That's not true. It's not," Lavi looked defeated around the room at the countless books towering up against the crumbling walls of the cramped space and the loose sheets of parchment sticking out at odd ends.

How many lives has he recorded over the years? How many people had he watched die and done nothing but write it down and file it away? How many wars had he seen and thought of them as nothing but the record of human folly? How long had he not cared? Why should now be any different? Why did he care so much?

"They have sacrificed so much," his voice came out in a whisper, "they're real people, not just some information on a piece of paper. They exist."

_They are my friends._

"But you do not," Lavi's breath caught in his throat at the words and he looked up to meet Bookman's gaze. "Lavi is not real. He doesn't exist just as the 48 other personas you have adopted over the years do not exist. They are all but a means to an end. You are not them and they are not you. You have forgotten you place.

"You are a Bookman. You are from everywhere and nowhere. You go where the events of this time take you to record the history of this era. I fear that I am to blame in all of this as well. I saw how involved you were becoming here. We should have left long ago," Bookman looked off to the side in solemn thought before turning back to Lavi.

"I don't know if I can," Lavi averted his gaze to the floor.

The silence that followed the weak statement was painfully daunting. Lavi felt a wash of goose bumps rise up his arm as he felt the cold glare of his mentor press upon him.

"Very well," his voice was eerily calm. "The choice is ultimately yours. If it is your wish to remain then I cannot force you to leave. However," Bookman turned his back to Lavi and stood facing the door, "you will do so alone. If you stay it will be the last you see of me. All of your ties to the Bookman Clan will be severed. You will be stripped of your title as my successor and the hidden knowledge that you have obtained over your apprenticeship will be wiped from your memory. You will be completely _alone_.

"If you decide to join me and take responsibility towards your duty as a Bookman, I will be leaving at sunrise. Choose wisely," Bookman spared him an almost sad glance over his shoulder before walking from the room.

Lavi stared down at his hands and listened as the heavy wooden door smacked shut against the stone walls. He was completely alone.

If he chose to stay it would be almost as bad as leaving. The war between the Noah and the Exorcists was a large part of this world's dark hidden history. Should he abstain from his title as Bookman Junior his memories of his time spent her would be erased. All the memories he treasured so deeply would be cleared from his mind as if they had never happened in the first place. Bookman was right. If he left he would be entirely alone without even the memories to get him through it all. He would forget the friends he had made, he would forget Lenalee.

His choice had become painfully clear. He would rather remember than forget. Even if in essence he would still be alone. At least he would have the memories of what once was to keep him company as time passed. He would still remember Lenalee and the last few years they had spent together.

Deep within his heart, Lavi knew that no matter how much time passed he would never be able to forget her. He would always love her, even if he never had the chance to be with her. Perhaps it was better this way. He belonged to the past and she had a future to look forward to. Lenalee was finally free from the chains that bound her to this crumbling tower.

In time her wounds from the war would heal and she would move towards a new life away from the violence and bloodshed of her child hood. Maybe one day she would even get married and have kids. Lavi knew that she would make a great mother someday. She deserved everything life could give her with someone who could take care of her. Someone not like him.

Essentially he was doing them both a favor. Not that she knew how he felt about her. He shuddered to think about what Komui might do if he knew Lavi had feelings for his precious little sister. Probably kill him. A weak smile crept onto Lavi's lips.

Shutting his green eye tightly Lavi sighed deeply. He stood up stiffly and walked from the room knowing that in a few hours it would be clean of any and all evidence of their stay here. It would be as if they'd never stepped into the Order at all.

Lavi dragged his feet down the winding hall and up and down the endless staircases until the brilliance of the sun had long since faded into the cold darkness of night. The normal bustle of the Order he had become accustomed to over the years was replaced with silence. The people that had gathered together over the years were almost all gone only a small group remained still working through files and organizing the science department. It was strange in a way to think that something so big could be over, just like that.

He eventually found himself standing in front of Lenalee's door. He stood and stared at the knotted wood and dull metal handle for a long time not knowing what to do. Finally with bated breath he raised his fist and knocked lightly against the wood.

No one answered.

After a moment he raised his hand and knocked again a little louder and still received no answer. He debated turning back but a deep tug in his gut kept him rooted to the ground. This was his last chance to see her….to say goodbye. So with a healthy amount of hesitance he pushed her door open and walked inside.

Lenalee lay peacefully atop her small twin bed bathed in the moonlight sneaking its way past the cracked stain glass window beside her. She snuggled into her comforters blocking out the chilled breeze flitting past the window. Her deep brunette hair lay in a tangled mess around her head. Her pale lips were slightly parted and Lavi could her soft breathing.

The need to just walk out and leave things as they were was almost overwhelming, but a gnawing feeling in the pit of his stomach stopped him. His hand grazed over his chest pausing only momentarily over his heart before he dropped his arm back to his side. Salt burned at the corners of his eye. He wiped a quick hand over his eye and walked forward a few paces and sat down against her small night table.

"I'm leaving," he said suddenly.

"I was never going to tell you, but I suppose it doesn't make much of a difference now." He closed his eye and tilted his head up towards the ceiling attempting to push back the unwanted emotions welling up within him. "I am in love with you."

He laughed dryly bringing his gaze back down to take in her sleeping form.

"We could never be anything, but sometimes I wish that things were different. That we had met under different circumstances, been different people, led different lives….had a chance at whatever this could have been."

He fell silent. Lavi looked back at his hands as they twisted with his building nerves. He sat in the peace and quiet just listening for a long while. Allowing himself to enjoy the last bit off time he would ever share with her.

"I will probably never see you again after this and if by chance we do meet again it won't be the same. I won't be Lavi anymore," he smiled bitterly to himself putting a hand on his knee and hoisting himself back to his feet.

He reached out and gently brushed some of the disheveled hair from her face. She murmured lightly in response to the touch and turned onto her back.

"Just remember," he spoke to her sleeping form. "Lavi will always love you. No matter what happens to me, Lavi will always belong to you."

His eyes were stinging again and he did nothing to stop the smooth drops of tears that dropped from his eye. He reached up and pulled the bandana from his head and placed it beside her on the night stand.

He bent over and placed a fleeting kiss on her forehead, turning slowly he walked from the room pausing only to shut the door to her room behind him.

He made his way back through the hall to the room he and Bookman had shared. He found it completely empty just as he had expected. His chest felt tight again.

Lavi wound his way back through the dim corridors until he made his way down through the twisted dark tunnels to the hidden dock burrowed deep in the base of the Order. He found Bookman standing near the entrance with a lantern illuminating his small form in an ominous light. He caught the sight of another standing beside him.

"Ah, Lavi, there you are," he recognized the voice immediately as Komui's. The strange man sounded as if he was in his usual chipper mood, but his voice lilted with an almost sullen tone.

Bookman turned and held out the brown traveling cloak he had been wearing the day of their arrival as a silent question. Lavi stepped forward and took the cloak from his teacher's hands and clasped it around his neck. Bookman only gave a small nod of approval as he turned back to Komui.

"Our business here is finished. We thank you for your cooperation," the shorter man stated in a serious tone.

"And the Order thanks you for your services," Komui repeated back in a similar pattern with a small smile quirking his lips. "I wish you the best of luck and safety in your future travels."

Bookman nodded his head in acknowledgement.

"We must be off," Bookman stuck his hand out to shake Komui's.

"Of course," Komui stated softly returning the gesture. "Goodbye, Bookman."

Komui walked in front of Lavi as Bookman stepped into the boat. Komui placed a hand on his shoulder and smiled in a way that made him look as though he were silently crying and Lavi couldn't understand why.

"Goodbye Lavi," Lavi felt a slight tug on his shoulder as Komui tighten his grip for a second and then released him, "Best of luck."

Lavi smiled back. "Goodbye Komui."

Stepping into the boat beside Bookman, Lavi looked on straight ahead towards the dull sky still stained with the dark blues of nightfall.

Turning he caught a glimpse of Komui waving them off.

He turned back with his mind running through his last thoughts as the boy known as Lavi, the only persona that he had ever failed at. The one who had emotions and friends. The one who cared more than he should have. The one who loved.

Just as they passed through the opening gates and Lavi let his 49th persona wash away, he let himself have one last show of who he had been. The one persona he would never forget.

"Goodbye Lenalee."

The words blew away like a whisper in the wind and Lavi felt himself slip. Once again he became Bookman Junior. He listened to the water turning and watched the sun peek up from the ground.

He wondered if she would remember him.

**What are your thoughts?**

**I wrote this initially for a friend who liked that pairing, but it turned out a bit dark and depressing. It is hard for me to write this pairing (even though I really like it) because I can't see Lavi giving up his title and even if he did that they wouldn't just let him walk away like it is nothing (in my mind). **

**So I hope you liked it or found it interesting. But please leaving any comments (good or bad) so I can rejoice or revise! **

**Thank you.**

**P.S. I am planning on writing a sequel. With Lenalee's reaction to his leaving or a chance meeting in the future (or both). **

**P.S.S. Those reading my other stories be patient I will be updating soon.**


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